Recently I have started reading the book entitled 'The Secret' again, for the third time. It has reminded me again, which one can easily, and often forget, not to lose track with what I want in my life, for my life and my family.

Without vigorously thinking and pursuing my decision, it could easily diminish into thin air. Even I could end up being complacent with life, enduring the pain of every day life, putting off the greater life.

Therefore, today I wish to remind myself to buck up, step up and learn the trades that I have decided to learn. Put up with the pain, but only for short term, to achieve what I need for the near future.

Every single day is an exciting day now, as I pave my way towards my Dream, which may not be as glamorous as others, but is clearly what I want, and what I need. I am excitedly gathering my ammunition, my bullets, to set myself ready for a new beginning.....

I have not posted for quite awhile as I have been rushing through this hectic life. What I really wanted to record is the joy of the Mother's Day, though it has been 12 days since.

The fact is my daughter has taken the trouble to surprise me with a gift, using her own pocket money, knowing that my 'love language' is eeerrr.... well.... presents!!!!

I'm so proud of what she has become, and I'm so proud to be a Mom!!!... There... Have said it!!! Now, need to get back to work....................

We had a little celebration dinner, with Ten~Ten, Miwaa, Adeil and Mariam, my niece, who is like my second daughter actually......

The beautiful gift from Miwaa, with a self-made card...

I am Torn in Between....

Today is Mother's Day.... I try to be the best daughter that I have ever been in the last 39 years of my life... I must say that is takes a tremendous effort to do so... Well, obviously I have never ever been the very best daughter for Mama, but it really is most difficult now, that Mama is extremely sensitive at this stage of her life......
I often experience the side effects of her hurt and/or dissatisfaction that she feels towards my siblings...... that which she can't let out directly to the 'source' of the unhappiness...... Knowing exactly how she feels, it is not always easy to communicate the same...... (in a diplomatic manner).... to my siblings... as they too are hyper-sensitive about...God knows...EVERYTHING in life.... How about me???... (Shhhhhh... put ME aside)
Well, I do know what is REALLY important to Mama (most times), ....her one and only son (the blue-eyed boy of her life) is the most precious to her... ..yet he seemingly couldn't care less..... or should I say much???
Well, Mama admittingly is not an easy person to get along with, and his wife obviously couldn't get along with her, after living under one roof for awhile. Of course, mother-in-laws can never live with their daughter-in-laws.... The sad thing is that this has gone on for so long, since Babah passed on, about 7 years now.... My sister-in-law had tried to make ammends many times, but to no avail... I have a stubborn & proud Mama actually, the truth be said.....
What triggered it all? I suspect .... the Malay movie that she watched last night with all of us,... about a son who 'Derhaka' towards his mother.... Why do I say that? Half way through the movie, Mama asked me.... "Is your brother back from Melaka?"...
He had previously called her apologizing that he couldn't come for her 73rd birthday celebration as he was in Melaka the whole week.....
"I suppose so..." I replied, knowing very well that he was....
She kept quiet, but I knew what she was thinking.... He has not visited her for sometime... and now she was going back to Penang.....
I wish I could make him see, that he just needs to show that he cares a bit more... and it would already have been enough....
Me on the other hand... could try my very best to impress her, care for her....till the cows go home.... It is still not the same as it was coming from her beloved SON...
Well, I think nothing of it... As I had 39 years to get used to it....
I just wish that I can do more to pull my family together.......

My second brother... Hmmm that is a whole different story........

We celebrated Miwaa's birthday at midnight.... I then decided do sleep in and take the half day off from work.

Miwaa is 14 today......

As I was going about the house chores, it struck upon me that I actually like doing that.... at my own time, see my kids off to school... (not the house cleaning part though).

Then, everything became so clear to me..... That what was told to me that ' the person I have to be become to be successful' is not what I want at all. I want to own my own time, yes. However, when I need to choose between family or work, I WANT to choose my FAMILY! That's the difference between my boss and me.

All these years, things were either unclear to me or I was subconsciously pretending to be someone I am not. There is no doubt that I can..... and am willing do work hard, work smart and all that. However, bottom line is, family is my priority.

She recently said to me that if she had to choose between the company and the family, she would have to choose the company, as the company 'feeds' the family. Fair enough..... However, I'm not willing to do that. You see I would be prepared to be with my family and suffer, than have a successful company and have my kids not needing a mother in their lives.

Having this clear perspective helps me see things better.

I'm so happy that Miwaa liked the present Adeil and I got for her. The joy of seeing her expression when she opened up the bundle that Adeil and I carefully packed...... (to make it look like something else, so that she never expects its her dream phone and a beautiful strap)...... Well, it worked!!!!

The 'Bundle' of Suprise...

"Mommy......Mommy.... Thank you!!!"

Her Express Music Phone......

"I love you Baby brother...."

Alhamdulillah, I have the capacity to provide for my children. Insya Allah that would continue till my grand children.

My Rezekis...

Thank You for the rezeki bestowed upon us Ya Allah!!!

And Thank You for making me see clearly!!!!.....

My Quiet Weekend....

This was posted via iPhone on 3.5.2008:

I met with Syed & Zaini this morning at the kedai mamak. I was impressed that they even had the basic framework drawn up for their Practice Apprenticeship Scheme (PAS). I am also proud to be the first to seriously consider the scheme.
Basically, the scheme offers an infrastructure for me to set up a practice while still working on a job. It is definitely something that I would seriously consider.
Most important thing at this stage is for me to secure a job. Insya Allah, things will fall into place with Ten~Ten in the new business venture. What I really need is a 'godfather' to kick start the business.
Definitely I have learned to be patient all these years in my career. My goal is to enhance my personal CV by completing my high profile jobs currently esp. ST, Plus RSA, TA. This meeting has helped me to see things in a brand new light.
I'm looking at my current jobs now with a brand new perspective. I need to learn as much as I can, as fast as I can. There is no time to waste. Life is too short.
An interesting phenomenon happened today. I was given the news by Mama that distant relatives of mine - whom I can't even recall- have passed on. They are twins, leading separate lives, with own families, died within hours of each other. One last night, the other this morning. Its sad yes, but it also reminds me that Allah is so Great! Everything is predetermined........

Ten-ten's trip to Bali was canceled. I'm pleased with that. However, he's not here with me as he is busy with 'work' . I suppose I really need to get used to this.... It's what I had preempted previously and going through with right now....

My kids also have their own lives to lead now. They are at USJ visiting Miwaa's pal, who came by from Jitra. They have been friends since they were 2!!! Yana's, (Miwaa's friend) mom was my very best friend, Erni. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She was always there to help. However, I was not there for her most times, as she never wanted to trouble anyone. She died after losing her battle with brain tumor about 2 years ago. I still think about her sometimes.....

I'm glad I spent some time at home today with Mama. Not that we chat very much, but just being here with her .....which I have not done in years.

Mama will be 73 in a few days. She is looking forward to celebrate with all of us this time round. Which reminds me, I need to get her a present!!!

I have yet to connect the Internet at my new house. However, having the urge to blog, I'm now keying in my thoughts in my iPhone...... as I need to pen down my thoughts before I forget my vision and mission. Till next time......

My Ramblings.......

Finally, I have confirmed the appointment with Syed, my friend, who had always been my mentor, career wise. This is my first step towards my decision to take charge of my professional career, thus, my life. Although he is my friend, being my 'worrier' self - as I worry about every single thing in life - I'm very nervous.

I'm worried about 'how to go-about doing it', I worry about telling 'her' about my decision!!... I'm worried about the timing... I'm worried about the financing...... Yet I keep telling myself, I need to think positive!!

On the outlook, people have always thought and commented that I appear confident and so terribly sure of myself. Well, they do not have any idea of the turmoil that goes inside of me!!... My panic attacks, that Insya Allah, I have now learned to control, as I have a greater mission in life, ie to provide a better life for my children...

I suppose I could say that I am going through the cross roads of my life, whereby I refuse to tolerate taking instructions from 'the boss', like I was a kid..... Occasionally, I think about the 'what would have been' if I had persevered in the network marketing business, and whether I am cut out for it.... The problem is, I have trouble in believing in myself.... Then again, I think my mentors in the business are not doing so well at the moment.... There you go, negative thoughts again!!!

Whatever it is, I do look forward to my meeting tomorrow..... and I do need to pat myself on the back for taking the little step towards taking control of my career...... Will update on the outcome later.... Cheers for now...

My Thoughts Today.... MOTHER..

I received a very interesting email today on appreciation of Mothers, with the upcoming Mothers' Day, and me being a mom myself, it brought tears to my eyes.......

I can't help but post it here, to remind myself not to take for granted what I have today, which I may not have any more tomorrow.... So here it is...

BEING A MOTHER...

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years,
but the demands of my work and my two boys had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angels. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favor,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation-nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite
you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?' asked my wife when I
got home.
'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I
love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
* * *
Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.
* * *
Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them....no matter who that person is.