I find that as I grow wiser, I tend to keep a lot more things to myself than I have ever done before. I wonder whether that can be quite normal for women of my age. You just feel like there is just so much going on in your life at the same time, and there simply is no time to waste on relaying to someone else no matter how close, on what had already happened.
Reflecting again about my life, I do wish that I have adopted focus as my important trade. On the outlook, others may look at me as a very focused and disciplined person. On the inside, I wished I was more so.
To date, I have yet to resolve my decision on my career, and what I really want to do. Working is I must say, rather dreadful!!! You are constantly at the back and call of someone all the time. If it is not your Boss, it is your dreadful client!!
The Boss tends to think that when they pay you every month, they control your life too? What kind of stupid life is that? All Bosses are the same. Then again, what options do we have. Even Ten~Ten is a slave in his career at the moment. I supposed I'm not helping when I myself give him a hard time!! What a meanie I am.... Must change...
The terrible thing is I do realise that I have and still is procrastinating a lot, thus the non-decision about my life. I dont really want to make a superficial decision, thus the wrong one. What happens, go with the flow, just as I have been doing for the past 3 months or so.... How different am I then, from all those stupid and inexperienced project managers that I so often talked and criticized about?....
I wish that I could talk about more intelligent things like politics, global economy, financial crisis etc, etc,etc, rather than about me, myself and I...... Huh...Now my anger is let out!!...
Ciao...

Recently I have started reading the book entitled 'The Secret' again, for the third time. It has reminded me again, which one can easily, and often forget, not to lose track with what I want in my life, for my life and my family.

Without vigorously thinking and pursuing my decision, it could easily diminish into thin air. Even I could end up being complacent with life, enduring the pain of every day life, putting off the greater life.

Therefore, today I wish to remind myself to buck up, step up and learn the trades that I have decided to learn. Put up with the pain, but only for short term, to achieve what I need for the near future.

Every single day is an exciting day now, as I pave my way towards my Dream, which may not be as glamorous as others, but is clearly what I want, and what I need. I am excitedly gathering my ammunition, my bullets, to set myself ready for a new beginning.....

I have not posted for quite awhile as I have been rushing through this hectic life. What I really wanted to record is the joy of the Mother's Day, though it has been 12 days since.

The fact is my daughter has taken the trouble to surprise me with a gift, using her own pocket money, knowing that my 'love language' is eeerrr.... well.... presents!!!!

I'm so proud of what she has become, and I'm so proud to be a Mom!!!... There... Have said it!!! Now, need to get back to work....................

We had a little celebration dinner, with Ten~Ten, Miwaa, Adeil and Mariam, my niece, who is like my second daughter actually......

The beautiful gift from Miwaa, with a self-made card...

I am Torn in Between....

Today is Mother's Day.... I try to be the best daughter that I have ever been in the last 39 years of my life... I must say that is takes a tremendous effort to do so... Well, obviously I have never ever been the very best daughter for Mama, but it really is most difficult now, that Mama is extremely sensitive at this stage of her life......
I often experience the side effects of her hurt and/or dissatisfaction that she feels towards my siblings...... that which she can't let out directly to the 'source' of the unhappiness...... Knowing exactly how she feels, it is not always easy to communicate the same...... (in a diplomatic manner).... to my siblings... as they too are hyper-sensitive about...God knows...EVERYTHING in life.... How about me???... (Shhhhhh... put ME aside)
Well, I do know what is REALLY important to Mama (most times), ....her one and only son (the blue-eyed boy of her life) is the most precious to her... ..yet he seemingly couldn't care less..... or should I say much???
Well, Mama admittingly is not an easy person to get along with, and his wife obviously couldn't get along with her, after living under one roof for awhile. Of course, mother-in-laws can never live with their daughter-in-laws.... The sad thing is that this has gone on for so long, since Babah passed on, about 7 years now.... My sister-in-law had tried to make ammends many times, but to no avail... I have a stubborn & proud Mama actually, the truth be said.....
What triggered it all? I suspect .... the Malay movie that she watched last night with all of us,... about a son who 'Derhaka' towards his mother.... Why do I say that? Half way through the movie, Mama asked me.... "Is your brother back from Melaka?"...
He had previously called her apologizing that he couldn't come for her 73rd birthday celebration as he was in Melaka the whole week.....
"I suppose so..." I replied, knowing very well that he was....
She kept quiet, but I knew what she was thinking.... He has not visited her for sometime... and now she was going back to Penang.....
I wish I could make him see, that he just needs to show that he cares a bit more... and it would already have been enough....
Me on the other hand... could try my very best to impress her, care for her....till the cows go home.... It is still not the same as it was coming from her beloved SON...
Well, I think nothing of it... As I had 39 years to get used to it....
I just wish that I can do more to pull my family together.......

My second brother... Hmmm that is a whole different story........

We celebrated Miwaa's birthday at midnight.... I then decided do sleep in and take the half day off from work.

Miwaa is 14 today......

As I was going about the house chores, it struck upon me that I actually like doing that.... at my own time, see my kids off to school... (not the house cleaning part though).

Then, everything became so clear to me..... That what was told to me that ' the person I have to be become to be successful' is not what I want at all. I want to own my own time, yes. However, when I need to choose between family or work, I WANT to choose my FAMILY! That's the difference between my boss and me.

All these years, things were either unclear to me or I was subconsciously pretending to be someone I am not. There is no doubt that I can..... and am willing do work hard, work smart and all that. However, bottom line is, family is my priority.

She recently said to me that if she had to choose between the company and the family, she would have to choose the company, as the company 'feeds' the family. Fair enough..... However, I'm not willing to do that. You see I would be prepared to be with my family and suffer, than have a successful company and have my kids not needing a mother in their lives.

Having this clear perspective helps me see things better.

I'm so happy that Miwaa liked the present Adeil and I got for her. The joy of seeing her expression when she opened up the bundle that Adeil and I carefully packed...... (to make it look like something else, so that she never expects its her dream phone and a beautiful strap)...... Well, it worked!!!!

The 'Bundle' of Suprise...

"Mommy......Mommy.... Thank you!!!"

Her Express Music Phone......

"I love you Baby brother...."

Alhamdulillah, I have the capacity to provide for my children. Insya Allah that would continue till my grand children.

My Rezekis...

Thank You for the rezeki bestowed upon us Ya Allah!!!

And Thank You for making me see clearly!!!!.....

My Quiet Weekend....

This was posted via iPhone on 3.5.2008:

I met with Syed & Zaini this morning at the kedai mamak. I was impressed that they even had the basic framework drawn up for their Practice Apprenticeship Scheme (PAS). I am also proud to be the first to seriously consider the scheme.
Basically, the scheme offers an infrastructure for me to set up a practice while still working on a job. It is definitely something that I would seriously consider.
Most important thing at this stage is for me to secure a job. Insya Allah, things will fall into place with Ten~Ten in the new business venture. What I really need is a 'godfather' to kick start the business.
Definitely I have learned to be patient all these years in my career. My goal is to enhance my personal CV by completing my high profile jobs currently esp. ST, Plus RSA, TA. This meeting has helped me to see things in a brand new light.
I'm looking at my current jobs now with a brand new perspective. I need to learn as much as I can, as fast as I can. There is no time to waste. Life is too short.
An interesting phenomenon happened today. I was given the news by Mama that distant relatives of mine - whom I can't even recall- have passed on. They are twins, leading separate lives, with own families, died within hours of each other. One last night, the other this morning. Its sad yes, but it also reminds me that Allah is so Great! Everything is predetermined........

Ten-ten's trip to Bali was canceled. I'm pleased with that. However, he's not here with me as he is busy with 'work' . I suppose I really need to get used to this.... It's what I had preempted previously and going through with right now....

My kids also have their own lives to lead now. They are at USJ visiting Miwaa's pal, who came by from Jitra. They have been friends since they were 2!!! Yana's, (Miwaa's friend) mom was my very best friend, Erni. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She was always there to help. However, I was not there for her most times, as she never wanted to trouble anyone. She died after losing her battle with brain tumor about 2 years ago. I still think about her sometimes.....

I'm glad I spent some time at home today with Mama. Not that we chat very much, but just being here with her .....which I have not done in years.

Mama will be 73 in a few days. She is looking forward to celebrate with all of us this time round. Which reminds me, I need to get her a present!!!

I have yet to connect the Internet at my new house. However, having the urge to blog, I'm now keying in my thoughts in my iPhone...... as I need to pen down my thoughts before I forget my vision and mission. Till next time......

My Ramblings.......

Finally, I have confirmed the appointment with Syed, my friend, who had always been my mentor, career wise. This is my first step towards my decision to take charge of my professional career, thus, my life. Although he is my friend, being my 'worrier' self - as I worry about every single thing in life - I'm very nervous.

I'm worried about 'how to go-about doing it', I worry about telling 'her' about my decision!!... I'm worried about the timing... I'm worried about the financing...... Yet I keep telling myself, I need to think positive!!

On the outlook, people have always thought and commented that I appear confident and so terribly sure of myself. Well, they do not have any idea of the turmoil that goes inside of me!!... My panic attacks, that Insya Allah, I have now learned to control, as I have a greater mission in life, ie to provide a better life for my children...

I suppose I could say that I am going through the cross roads of my life, whereby I refuse to tolerate taking instructions from 'the boss', like I was a kid..... Occasionally, I think about the 'what would have been' if I had persevered in the network marketing business, and whether I am cut out for it.... The problem is, I have trouble in believing in myself.... Then again, I think my mentors in the business are not doing so well at the moment.... There you go, negative thoughts again!!!

Whatever it is, I do look forward to my meeting tomorrow..... and I do need to pat myself on the back for taking the little step towards taking control of my career...... Will update on the outcome later.... Cheers for now...

My Thoughts Today.... MOTHER..

I received a very interesting email today on appreciation of Mothers, with the upcoming Mothers' Day, and me being a mom myself, it brought tears to my eyes.......

I can't help but post it here, to remind myself not to take for granted what I have today, which I may not have any more tomorrow.... So here it is...

BEING A MOTHER...

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years,
but the demands of my work and my two boys had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angels. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favor,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation-nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite
you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?' asked my wife when I
got home.
'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I
love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
* * *
Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.
* * *
Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them....no matter who that person is.

Time Flies....

I've been pretty busy lately, even too busy to think and focus on my goals, my decision....

Bottom line ..... time really flies..... especially when we are so disorientated, .... and part of the ..."wondering generality"... who just keep wondering... about nothing.... I so really, really want to avoid being that... if that makes sense at all.....

I wish not to live a life of regrets... And given the chance to re-do my life... or re-live my life.. I most probably will not do things differently... As whatever that I have faced, I have failed, I have succeeded.... made me what I am today.....

That does not stop me from realizing that time really, really flies sooo quickly. It seems only like it was yesterday that Miwaa was drooling down her bib, jumping up and down her 'tippy toes', goo-gooing as I fed her while talking to her.... Now, she's a teenager, who hardly wants to be "seen" with her parents, as "it isn't cool!!!". She's more contented to be hiding in her room, doing her own stuff or messaging her friends.......

It was also not long ago that I used to be worried that Adeil may be "handicapped", as he never ever crawled as a baby, but moved around in a sitting position, dragging his butt on the floor!!!!! It was also just like it was yesterday when he refused to speak!!!...but made single syllable noise instead!!!.....

They are simply 'perfect' kids now.... that time just flies by.....

They would always be my babies.... (I keep telling them that)...... Even when they are married with kids!!!!

Never Forget.... At Least I Need To Remind Myself!!

I thought I should pen my thoughts today on the lucrative job/business offer that my other half was given by his soon to be boss/partner. He shall be made the COO of the company, with also a director title, with some shares too........

I wouldn't want to be the negative one... though envious I am.... You see, at least for once in his life, he would get the chance to implement his ideas.... He has always had a visionary mind, my other half, but lacked the motivation to persevere to materialize his brilliant ideas... Often, before we knew it, the ingenious ideas would eventually be implemented by somebody else, a politician of some sort......

I pray that with this new found vehicle, he is able to gain the confidence, motivation and zest to realize his visions.....

I had always previously been the career minded and aggressive half, while he has always been the supportive one... More contented to be the one at home, to be with the children. I have always been the majority bread winner for the family.... Things are now finally changing...

Last night he said to me......

" I must have done something right... to get offered this....... I'll be the only one of our kind to be in the upper inner circle of the organization..."

" Yes, you must have......" I replied, for he has always been the caring one, the giver....not me....

"But don't forget to be thankful, as everything comes from Him.... Never forget.........Please..."

Silently he nodded.... realizing the truth...

So every day, I wake up, I need to remind myself that I'm so blessed, I'm so grateful and thankful.... I must never forget that.....

Working Hard.... But Am I Working Smart????

Hahaha... That's what I'm thinking myself.... For many years I have worked and imagined that the company as my own... But is it?.... The intention of the management was to make me feel like it is...... so that I work harder... and harder.... pour out my heart and soul to the job... and for what????... for these:
1. Authority.... Yes, that I seem to have over a substantial portion of the organisation.
2. Respect..... Yes, as they all think I am Boss No. 2!!!!
3. Money.... Hahahahahah.... what was it again?????.... Nope... I don't think I have that... Not as much as I know I am worth...
4. Time.... NOT AT ALL.....

Yes, as days go by, I get nervous thinking about 'My Decision', which ultimately, to be fair to myself, I MUST GO THROUGH WITH!!!

What makes me so nervous I keep asking myself?.... Perfectionist.... That's it!!!!... That's the whole problem. So what happens is in the end, we start making excuses for ourselves, the negativities set in......

"The business blood doesn't run in my family...."

"My parents were both government servants... How on earth am I.... their offspring, ever going to learn to be my own boss?"

...Craps like the above keep creeping into my mind...RUBBISH!!! It's all rubbish!!

....Hmmmm, at least I've pen down what needs to be vommitted out..... I can now get to work... As there's a light at the end of the tunnel.......

I'm Back!!!

Yippeee!!.. I managed to find the time to blog in.... Well, at least it's a fresh consistent start for me...

Today, I would like to reflect on how proud I am to be a parent to 2 wonderful children..... They have grown a lot taller than the last time I posted.... Obviously...

Well, for a start, they are both taller than ME!!!!!...... Miwaa now 14 (in 10 days!!!) , Adeil soon will be 11.....

Adeil is now learning to play the guitar.... Only last night he was telling me how he looks forward to each and every class that he has... "Every time Mommy... Every time I look forward to the class..." Tomorrow would be the second class that he actually learns to play the electric guitar....

Just like when he was a baby...( He's still my baby)... He asks about when he is getting a new...electric guitar...every single day...

Miwaa on the other hand aspires to be Vanessa Mae... she learns the violin now.... Her goal this year is to learn 3 musical instruments.... Violin,.... Guitar (baby brother as the teacher).... Piano..... I support her all the way......

I am taking one small step each day towards MY DECISION.... (something I have to keep reminding myself, so that I don't lose focus)... Meeting Syed tonight to discuss my options....

INSYA ALLAH......

ALHAMDULILLAH for all the rezeki you have showered my family and I.... I'm so blessed....

MY DECISION

Hi Blog... I haven't written in awhile for the following reasons:
1. I did not see the fun in blogging...haha.
2. Not being computer savvy myself, I couldn't locate my own blog...

So, time flies.

Good news is... I set for my architectural professional exams in 2007, and passed... Yippeee!! So... What next. For awhile, I didn't know... I just went with the flow, not taking up very much challenges in my life, just drifting... to no where.... Somehow, I must have been rather complacent...

Yet today, I was struck by the urge to take control of my life, to plan it far....

I have decided that I would go on my own, taking the bull by its horns and facing the challenge... I'm now planning my exit, my triumph, yet I know it would mean a lot of hard work, a lot of despair and frustration.... But, I've been through it as an employee, I can go through it as a business owner.....

I am now doing my ground work... Will go home and set my strategies, look at my options...

Hmmm... Looks like I shall pen in a lot more than I used to... So my dear blog... Just Listen In....